How do I describe those moments when I sense I know something is going to happen that is going to be both painful and good for me? Does everyone have these mini-awakenings?
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| 📷 by jplenio on pixabay |
Early recovery is such a struggle. One afternoon driving on a highway, listening to music, I take an exit. Stop at the light. A sense of “knowing” comes to me: “God wants you to be happy, joyous, and free.” I smile. It’s okay to be feeling good. I can give myself permission to be happy. Living with so much pain and difficulty doesn’t have to be constant. Search for the peace within. Enjoy life, even if it’s in bits and pieces.
On my way to work one day, in the distance I saw the emergency vet clinic. It’s been there for a long time, but at this moment I saw it, I thought: “Bon Ami (my cat) will be taken care of there.” I felt a punch to my gut, thinking of him getting ill, but I also felt the sense that he will be okay. Not long after this, he fell gravely ill and was treated at one emergency clinic, and then I took him to the one I saw that day, to be followed up until he healed. He did live six more months. His death was sudden. I immediately took him to the same follow-up clinic, where the vet pronounced him dead, likely due to an aneurysm. His spirit lives on over the rainbow. He is okay, at peace.
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| Bon Ami circa 1991 |
Unemployed, my own fault, as depression at times would overwhelm me, I’d quit a job. But I would have to look again for work to survive. One sunny afternoon I was turning a corner to park my car. I glimpsed the hospital up the street. “You’ll be there soon, working.” That moment I felt a sense of relief, “knowing” things were going to turn out alright. I had to go make resume copies and continue the footwork that would lead me there. Not long later, I was employed at that very hospital.
After writing thus far, I see these three incidents all involve me driving a car! What the heck is that about? But then, there were a couple of times I was walking along…….
I was working at a data entry company. On dinner break one summer evening, I took a walk along a riverside path. This felt wonderful! But it was getting dark and I had to turn around to go back to work. All around me were lightning bugs - fireflies - as I walked the path. They lit my way along the darkness that was trying to consume me. I felt such a delight “knowing” they were there to guide me. All the way back to work their tiny lights led the way. I felt safe. And grateful for God’s little gifts.
Suffering a deep depression after Bon Ami’s death, I returned to work after a leave of absence. It’s hard to describe the lethargy I felt. And I was working a night shift, which has always been difficult for me. But luckily I didn’t just sit there on the inpatient unit. When we had an admission, we went to another area to gather information, etc. That night as I walked a long hallway and through an alcove, I felt a breeze going through me. It was as if the Holy Spirit itself was guiding me along. I “knew” I would get through this pain. I “knew” I would be all right, that I would gather my strength again through God’s grace. Empowering.
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| 📷 by jplenio on pixabay |
Life happens to be challenging, but also rewarding.
Life with the Spirit gives us enlightenment, just enough to know that what we are going through will not overtake us, but will strengthen us, if we trust in the Lord and the direction He leads us in life. I know. Theresa M
